Staying on Point

Staying on point. 

When you have to confront someone with assertive speech, there are many ways that the situation can come off the rails.

The two main culprits are games of status; and creating a miasma of confusion. Let’s tackle both here. 

Status Games

The reason we find common ground in assertive communication is twofold.

Firstly, we want the person to agree with us so that they might find sense in the next thing we say. We don't want to make it an argument, but we want to establish something in common so that what we want to say, and how we feel, or what we desire - will be heard. 

Secondly, there is the issue of status. 

Many times where confrontation is necessary it is because the person has disrespected you in some way. They demanded instead of asking. They didn’t use manners where you would appreciate a ‘please’ and ‘thankyou’. 

These slight acts of disrespect aren’t about sticking to protocol - they’re about the lowering of your status.

Status is what we have as a totem pole within the tribe. We’d like to feel at the same level as the person we’re speaking with - so small acts of diminution we can be quite sensitive to.

If status is the game we’re playing to get concise and clear communication, then manners are the boundaries around the field of communication. 

Western/Southern Charm

I understand it’s fiction, but it’s worth the example to talk about western movies. Do you ever notice the speech in western movies is insanely polite? It’s filled with cordials like, “Yes ma’am”, “I beg to differ sir”, etc.

Were these manners an accurate depiction of dialect at the time - I’d imagine they were there to avoid being shot in the back.

As a species we gravitate toward common currency like gold and silver, to avoid conflict and violence in trade disputes. And as a species, we have rules and customs and manners that help us to avoid conflict in communication disputes.

Using manners, and politeness helps to circumvent conflict; but the reason it does so is if I’m demonstrating respect enough to you - you’re less able to misconstrue my message as disrespect.

I’m already going to disagree with you, and that can be difficult enough to digest for a person. So we don’t need to overload the circuits of communication with disrespect and lowering of status as well. 

Often (especially online), it seems as though the intent of communication is to ‘dunk on’ the other person. 

“Ben Shapiro DESTROYS liberal with facts and logic”...

Those videos are always disappointing - I’ve yet to see someone destroyed. In fact many times these ‘DESTROYS’ videos are just a pleasant exchange of information with manners and politeness.

Status games can get very weird. Years ago I caught my wife and I in the strangest status game; where we were trying to ‘one up’ each other on who had it worse. I would complain about something, she would complain that she had it worse.

So the game was actually “My life is worse, therefore I win” - which could be the dumbest game on record. But I’ve seen other people do it too. 

We’ll go into status more in another article - but when staying on point with a person it’s important to understand the allure of gaining status - and resist it. You’re not there to ‘own’ the other person - you’re there to exchange communication and by the end of the conversation , neither of you should feel a lowering of status.

This is one reason you need to remember why you’re there, and to stay on the point at hand. You can get sucked into a game of status very easily, if you forget the point of the conversation is to articulate one little point. 

Slippery Counterparts.

In a conversation recently, my counterpart wanted to detract from my message. A standard of mine was not being met, and I communicated as much - politely. My counterpart kept pushing the conversation in other directions:

“But what about ‘x’?”
“It only happened because ‘y’!”
And on, and on.

Your counterpart is either intentionally, or unintentionally, misconstruing and diluting the point so that they save face (or retain status). If you tell me I need to keep my room clean, and I scream back at you “BUT MY BROTHER’S ROOM HAS CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR TOO” - we’re off topic. We’re no longer talking about the room, we’re talking about who is higher on the totem pole, and my anger is justified because of the lack of justice in the household (presumably). 

When your counterpart is doing this, it may be because they don't want to be wrong. Everyone with a 12 year old daughter understands this slippery kind of conversation. They person is seeking some kind of status, and they don’t want to cede ground.

The solution might sound counterproductive - help them. Help them not to cede ground. Help them to be at the same status as you - and the way you do that is to STAY ON POINT.

Staying on Point. 

You’re not there to demean them, you’re there to communicate a clear and concise point:

“I understand and respect your position, it is a valid position. We’re not addressing that right now”
“Here is my standard going unmet”
“Will you meet that standard for me?”

They may continue to avoid agreement by turning the problem into a miasma of other problems; or they may just try and change the subject completely.

But you have brought up this conversation for one reason - to convey a very small standard or set a boundary. 

So as many times as they try to change the subject; make them feel understood by meeting them emotionally with “I understand” and “Sounds like” statements; reiterate your desire, and politely make the same request again.

You have the rules of respectful dialogue on your side, and they don't. They won’t slip out of the topic for long, they will lose NO status, and they’ll eventually agree to your polite request.