Assertiveness in Marriage
Why is assertiveness so important for marriage?
When you step back from all the good parts of marriage; all the great experiences you’re going to share with this other person and flesh out exactly what marriage is, it’s easy to think of it as daunting.
You're probably 28 years old, and the deal is you’re going to live with this person another 50 years. You haven’t even been alive that long.
It’s a lot.
But we’re on this journey together anyway, so we might as well analyze the potential problems now and in the future, so that we might handle them more appropriately and effectively.
Communication and Control.
So much of assertiveness is about respectful communication of what’s going on with you on the inside. Assertiveness itself is ‘dressing up’ your inner world within the ‘rules’ about communication for that relationship or ‘tribe’.
You don't’ talk to your spouse the same way you talk to your mother; you don’t talk to your best friend the same way you talk to your boss; assertive communication in England isn’t the same as assertive communication in Japan - etc. Different relationships and communities have different sets of rules for communication.
This is confusing. We’re told to “just tell the truth”, but that statement in itself isn’t entirely true.
We don’t just blurt anything out that’s going on inside us, because we care about how the people around us will feel; and even if we don’t - we care about what they might do were we to be callous in our statements about them.
So the safe bet is to keep your mouth shut, and say nothing. But what are the consequences of not saying anything, within the relationship of marriage?
A Bump in a roll.
Imagine rolling up a fire hose in a perfectly organized roll. Each circle is smooth and round, and therefore each following circle is smooth and round as well.
Now imagine someone puts a great big bump in one of the circles of fire hose.
Each subsequent roll of the hose will be larger and more misshapen, due to the giant bump in the hose from the bump.
The communication over the years in your marriage can act like this misshapen hose. If you don't communicate certain problems as they arise , they can cause many more problems in the same or similar areas down the road.
But the other side of that problem is that if you DO bring up problems as they arise, but the WAY in which you bring problems up is also problematic - you can create bigger problems that weren’t there to begin with.
Neither of these circumstances are favorable, but they are extremely common. Sometimes if issues don’t get solved as they arise, and there are 30 years of problems rolled up in the firehose of time - it may take another 30 years to unravel.
But there is a solution, and that is assertive communication.
Handling problems as they arise.
As mentioned earlier, assertiveness is ‘dressing up’ your inner world with the rules of whatever community you’re communicating in. In a marriage, it’s a community of 2.
Assertively handling problems is important, and there are some rules to successfuly handle problems.
The rules of handling things are:
Eliminate status games with common ground.
So many times in relationships, we fight over who is ‘boss’. The person who is ‘above’ the other has an easier time dictating their terms, but it isn’t efficient communication for a long term relationship. Yes, there’s going to be a bit of alpha/beta dynamics within your relationship, but if you’ve got a genuine concern you need to bring up - that dynamic will interfere with the transfer of information.
Eliminate it by getting on the same level as your counterpart. You can do this with phrases like:
“I understand that you feel a certain kind of way about this issue”
“Right now, you’re using a loofah”
“It sounds like you need help moving the couch”
By putting the onus on the reality of the situation that neither of you can argue with - you eliminate the need for games of status. You’re just talking about the way things are, without judgement or conflict.
If you have a huge need to be the ‘alpha’, that’s fine. Get on the same level as your spouse now, and go back to being the big dog after the information has been effectively transferred.
2. Say what you want.
This is harder for more passive types of people. Many of us bury what we want under a fear of upsetting our partner or other people in our family, so you might not be in touch with it.
But even if you are passive in your communication and aren’t really aware of what you want, you almost certainly are aware of what you don’t want. You might not say anything about it, but when your husband or wife stacks the dishwasher in a way you don’t like; you damn well know it whether you say anything or not.
Saying what you don’t want is a great way to get in touch with what you want, and to let your partner know more about you. So don’t shy away from the activity, it’s very good. And it’s very safe to say what you don't want -after you’ve eliminated status games.
You can phrase these kinds of things by saying
“What I’d like to see is...”
“What I don’t want is...”
“I want to be able to...”
3. Request.
This part can again take some practice from the passive types. They might feel that making the request is ‘bossy’ or even ‘greedy’; trust me - that’s a ‘you’ problem. People who don’t ask for what they want generally don’t get it.
Also, asking for what you want is an extension of your desire. So your partner is enjoying less of you not knowing how to please you. So if you are the kind of person who keeps coming back to feel guilty, maybe feel guilty about robbing your partner of something they love - you.
There aren’t too many tricks when it comes to phrasing your request. But some tricks are:
Say “will you” , not “can you”.
“Can” might imply ability, not willingness to your counterpart. It takes just a little edge off the request.
Offer an alternative.
If you’re assertively telling your wife ‘no’ about adopting that 4th puppy, throw a ‘maybe’ in there to show her you’re thinking about other solutions.
“Honey I understand you want another puppy, I honestly don’t want another one. I can’t do it. Maybe we could get a goldfish?”
Be prepared for a ‘no’.
Also, be prepared for your partner to say ‘no’. That’s fine, you can’t get your way all the time - you’re not supposed to. If you want your way all the time, you probably shouldn’t have gotten married!
Assertive does not equal ‘aggressive’
We don't need any help introducing aggression and butting heads in marriage - we obviously do that enough.
By being able to communicate your desires without ruffling too many feathers not only increases your chances of getting what you want - it also reduces the chances of unresolved resentment in the future, and increases your partner's ability to enjoy and get to know your desires and character as well.
